So quite suddenly and unexpectedly, I find that I’ve ended a 3 and a half year relationship. If anyone read my last post about not being happy with my career, they may be thinking, are you happy with anything in your life??? Well yes, pretty much everything else actually, most importantly I’m quite happy with myself and who I am. And I’ve decided to stick with my career, for now at least, in case anyone’s wondering.
Here’s a word of warning to people like me, intuitive-type people: trust your gut. Don’t let your intuition get drowned out by other ideas or feelings, especially by trying to fit things into what you’d like your life to look like or be, even when they don’t quite fit. I mean, always think things through as well, but seriously analyze things if they’re going against your intuition. Here’s the weird thing about me, anytime I’ve had a deeper, romantic connection with someone I felt it almost instantly when I met them, in two cases before I even talked to them. It’s like a feeling of electricity hanging in the air, once it gave me an instant image in my mind of the giant Christmas tree in Boston lighting up. It’s totally wild, I love it. My Jungian personality type is INFJ (I mentioned this in a previous post I think, and if you don’t know what it is you can take a 15 min test and see which of 16 personality types you are here. While of course everyone is different and trying to pigeonhole people into 16 categories makes generalizations, it was pretty crazy how much this personality type fit me and I learned a heckuva lot about myself).
Anyway, they say that this personality type is so intuitive that we are often associated with psychic abilities. Really it’s just that our intuition processes the information around us, sometimes crazy fast, and presents us with a feeling or an idea that seemingly comes from out of nowhere and in my experience is often extremely accurate. However, this doesn’t explain this one case where my (then) roommate’s friend, who I had never met, stayed over at our place on the couch. I hadn’t met him, I was asleep and then woken up when they came into the apartment, and lying there in my bed, I felt that weird feeling of electricity in the air and remember thinking “I think I have a connection with this person, whoever they are”. Turned out to be true, although sadly, it didn’t really go anywhere. Anyway, many people will be skeptical about his, but it wasn’t some vague feeling, it was quite poignant, and not one that I’ve had often (maybe 4 times in my life?). And every time I did, it did turn out that I actually had some kind of a special, romantic connection with the person.
I didn’t feel that connection when I met my now ex-boyfriend. But he was handsome, funny, smart, fun, and really into me. But he was also scientific, stiff, and un-emotional, and my intuition was saying, and has always said “I’m not too sure about this, you need something deeper young lady!” Anyway, this tug of war happened for over 3 years, with my mind saying “are you an idiot, this guy’s a dreamboat why would you ever let him go???”, and the intuition not really saying anything, just being a general feeling of unease and unhappiness. So what happened was, stubborn as I am and trying hard as I could to make things work, my intuition sabotaged me. It was like alright, if you’re not gonna make me happy then I’m just going to slowly go away and make you go numb, so you just don’t feel anything anymore. So I slowly, and without knowing it, went numb. I lost myself, and became somewhat unemotional. I didn’t stay in touch with family and friends like I should have, I stopped trying to meet new people, and spent way too much time by myself or with my boyfriend (often still feeling alone when with him). I got to the point where I couldn’t even kiss him, I just didn’t have a romantic bone left in my body for it, and then my intuition suddenly came back and SHABAM!!!, hit me with the realization of all of this. So after a few days of serious thought, tears, and self-reflection, I ended it. And it wasn’t so bad, because we weren’t much more than friends by this point anyway. He’s a great guy though, just not the one for me. Looking back, it’s all the little things that weren’t right, and that makes all the difference.
So, it’s still sad and definitely an adjustment to being single again, and a bit hard what with the biological clock ticking (I mean I’ve still got plenty of time, but I don’t really want to be an old mom). But I feel a lot better in other ways. I feel more like myself again. I’m craving that electric connection that I haven’t felt in years, and I’m looking forward to feeling it again. And I know much more precisely what kind of guy I’m looking for. Someone eccentric, extroverted, fun and somewhat emotional – a lot like Bono, but maybe with less ego. For now though, I’m happy to just do what I want, and get back to spending time with my friends and family.